urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:1000lovelettersmy broken heartmy broken heartmy broken heart2007-10-23T10:07:23Zurn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:1000loveletters:123891000loveletters @ 2007-10-23T03:06:002007-10-23T10:06:51Z2007-10-23T10:07:23Zsomewhere on earth...there is documentation, of what is going on in your head right now...<br /><br />i'd give my left arm to be alone with that journal, for ten minutesurn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:1000loveletters:11680I don't want to divulge those feelings2007-10-20T07:34:11Z2007-10-20T07:34:11ZI dont know why drunk people always make it a point to be as loud as humanly possible...and when they are making a point, do it so many times before they shut up..<br /><br />This was me...<br />This is my story..<br /><br />The power went out yesterday (thursday). I was working at the met. Most places closed, but not us. It soon became dark, and we were the only thing open on the street, so many people came in...Including this woman.<br /><br />I eyed her, she eyed me. She came in by herself.. Which I always find very odd....I knew her from somewhere.....She looked exactly the same as I remember...but I remember something being different...<br /><br />It was hours...of stealing glances for me to remember where I know her from. And while I was working the door she stepped outside for a cigarette, and I asked her if I met her in Pioneer Square when 107.7 The End did 'Vagabond Dash For 40's' (we made homeless people run for PBR 40's) She said, 'I remember!! Yes, thats where I know you from!!'<br /><br />We did a little catching up..but honestly, how much can you catch up with a homeless person. It was sweet though...Sweet to awknowlage that I knew her..rather than ignore her (which Is what I think happens a lot these days)<br /><br />When I got off work all I wanted to do was go home, but my co-workers got me wasted...One of them was singing at the Crescent, and so I decided to walk down there with a group. When we got there, there were two seats...one, Ironically next to the homeless woman (who was dressed really nice..I dont know if i mentioned that is what was different about her).<br /><br />We talked again for a minute. I ignored everyone I was with. But this time, or content was much more important.<br /><br />That sunny day, a little over a year ago, when we met this group of homeless people, my beliefs changed a lot... I had found a group of people that cared so much for each other......it was moving...<br /><br />But there was this couple....they had nothing...and literally had only each other....... I can't tell you why it made me cry....but I always had their picture burned into my mind..and yes, I did cry a little bit.....<br /><br />Well, I told her that, and she pulled out a picture of the two of them and told me they were still together.. That made me so happy. I almost cried again..For joy, for them. <br /><br />I made her promise me she would write the story of them...and let me read it...and that if she feels it, never to let it go.. I guess things are different for homeless people, and sometimes they get moved, and arrested and stuff...so they never know if they will be able to be together the whole day, when they wake up in the morning...<br /><br />this woman was old enough to be my mother...but when we talked about her boyfriend, her eyes lit up with more life and color than I have seen in such a long time..in anyones eyes...<br /><br />sometimes we take things for granted.....me before anyone I know.......<br /><br />I think I am a good person...even though I do bad things sometimes....<br />I think i am a catch...<br />and I know I need to stand up for myself more....<br />ugh..........<br /><br />I used a lie today...<br />I didn't want to hang out with someone.......<br />It feels weird, because of my understanding of the whole situation. I didn't want to hang out, so I just ignored him....all day....and in a little bit I'll text him and tell him i feel asleep cos I wasn't feeling well...<br />I don't want to lie..<br />but I dont want to hang out with him<br /><br />all he wanted to do was make me happy..<br />its a little weird..<br />and its my fault too..<br />when I meet someone and I can tell they are sad, I want to help them....<br /><br />ugh...urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:1000loveletters:11337from the way your heart was racing....2007-10-16T11:16:24Z2007-10-16T11:16:24ZUgh. Huge anxiety attack today. I haven't had one of those in over 3 months at LEAST. <br /><br />Today some girl I don't like (tressa) came in with this boy who works at pagallacias. I hate being known as Leighans 's ex....I hate being INTRODUCED to people as that. I also hate the awkward moments AFTER someone says, 'oh, you're leighans ex.................she's cute'....... and then im like, 'yes she is'.........and then I really have nothing else to say...sometimes I say, 'she's a really good person too'.... but it's always really awkward...and then they think that it's awkward for a reason that it is not..but i don't want to correct them.....cos i don't want to waste my breath..<br /><br />Apparently a regular of the bar pulled my boss aside today....my boss came out back, and said, 'you know that girl said that you would never admit it, but you are a local celeb......everyone knows who 'Jordin' is'.......<br /><br />A few days ago I was walking downtown to go to the bank, and this guy stopped me and said only this: "I listen to your show EVERY saturday! You are awesome'.... and the only thing that could come out of my mouth was, 'no way? you know who i am?' and he said, 'yes!'<br /><br />it is so weird to me.....I really hope I am a 'local celeb' for my radio stuff, and not because of my ex girlfriend....<br /><br />things are so weird....I'm totally obsessed with A SHOT AT LOVE with Tila Tequila...... She mentioned something on her show about how girls 'always talk about their emotions'.....<br />sometimes I can be so annoying..<br /><br />But, I do believe that my intentions were good. It never comes out the way I want because I have such strong feelings. I would have stopped crying for a hug....or just a few kind words...not the ones that make me laugh, but the nice ones......I couldn't stop crying because I dont know what is going on....<br /><br />I am really sick of it falling in the following pattern: I tell her how i feel, she shuts down....I try to open her up. She doesn't, she is nice about it, but she is annoyed.. She opens up for a second, and tells me something I didn't know (like she is not okay, and she just puts a happy face on). I offer her things to help...She declines... I get even more upset because 'why can't I help??'.... Then I get overly emotional....she REALLY shuts down and doesn't want to talk about it anymore..<br /> I feel like I've ruined everything. I want her just to say something nice...she doesn't.... I wish for the strength to leave but i know that won't happen... ( I wish more that she would say something nice).. I wait, and wait, and wait.......she says nothing.....I know she doesn't want me there.....I leave..I go home. I cry...I text or call.....<br />then there are the next few days....where I don't know what is going on..and i feel really bad. My feelings are genuine and pure.. I really just said how i felt, and tried not to be crazy.......<br /><br />ugh, regret....i fall asleep with it every night. I just don't understand if something is not right what is going on? Why can't I help fix it? Why can't she try some other forms of treatment...I think she might be manic....I KNOW there are healthy ways to work with it.. FREE ways to work with it to make it better....but she doesn't want my help..<br /><br />and thats what makes me sad...I don't know how long this is going to go on before something happens and one of us hits a wall...hard....For a long time with her and i separate and toether all I hear is the crazy part of The Beatles 'A Day In The Life' (the part right before he sings 'woke up,, got out of bed...dragged a comb across my head')<br /><br />ugh, I hate patterns. Her best friend comes back soon, and I don't know if i will see her as much. <br /><br />I just don't get it...how can one day someone lay in bed with you, and listen to their heartbeat, and be so sweet, and want to watch a movie....and then the next time, drop all these hints about how she has to go to bed early (which makes me feel like she doesn't want me to go with her)<br /><br />ugh, I do it all to hold her body at night. I'll admit that right now. There is something so amazing about laying in the same bed with her, and listening to her fall asleep..and holding onto her body all night........its even more special when I wake up and she has repositioned herself to be holding me...<br />why is that different? Every time i see her I don't know which one of her I am going to see...<br /><br />who am i kidding? She doesn't even like to sleep in the same bed as me.<br /><br />she was text messaging someone all night, though..<br />I guess I couldn't have been that fun...<br />ugh.<br /><br /><br />all eyes are on me now...<br />all eyes are on me now...urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:1000loveletters:11185maybe i would have been something you'd be good at2007-10-09T11:48:51Z2007-10-09T11:48:51ZIt still feels good. it still feels so good. and I still get tears when its over....<br /><br />I wish it lasted longer..<br /><br />Its warm... I still feel really warm right now....But the cold weather outside thaws me. If it were summer, I would not need it as much, because the weather is warm...but when it happens, its feels like a soup you can feel all the way down to your stomach.<br /><br />Most people will do anything to get someone in bed...and then when they are in bed, the fuck that person.....a lot.... I remember a few months ago doing something I didn't want to do, just cos I knew she would spend the night with me. And we wouldn't make love.....I would just get to hold her body all night. <br /><br />Its so weird....to be in the place, that you would rather be than anywhere else in the world... It never feels 'right' because....who is supposed to actually get what they want in life? Who is actually supposed to be somewhere they would kill to be?<br />I wouldn't rather be on the moon<br />or in California<br />or on a vacation...<br /><br />the one place I would rather be than anywhere in the world......is her bed.....with me laying on my back, and her curled up to my right side... her right arm in a 90 degree angle so that her elbow rests near my shoulder, and her hand is somewhere on my face or in my hair.......and her face nuzzled into the right side of mine, like a cat...<br /><br />maybe I would have been something you'd be good at..<br />maybe you would have been something I'd be good at...<br />but now.......urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:1000loveletters:10782If that was your plan......then you have succeeded2007-10-07T00:24:49Z2007-10-07T00:24:49ZWe couldn't get home fast enough. I watched the miles burn away, but I just couldn't wait to get home. I just felt pain... Pure, sweet pain. I wished we were home. I closed my eyes at 100 miles to go, and teleported myself, but alas when my eyes opened I was still in the passengers seat of the car....waiting....<br /><br />hurry up and wait...hurry up and wait.. or how about just plain wait??<br />It wasn't until I questioned myself as to WHY I wanted to get home so bad, that I realized we should have just pulled over in some podunk town and bought a house together, and left everything in Seattle with a long sigh of Good Riddance.<br /><br />I remember one of the questions I wanted to ask Tegan and Sara if I ever got to interview them again, about The Con. I would ask Tegan (cos their all Tegan's Songs)<br /><br />"in the song "soil soil" you sing 'You've just written wondering...and I reply fast'.......Are you talking about a Text Message?'<br /><br />She would laugh and say "Yes".....and then I would say, 'I know how you feel'....<br /><br />Cos I know how she feels...<br /><br />Yes, I went for work, but that doesn't mean I didn't go for pleasure too. On the stage there was a performance....In the middle of that performance, a hair fell from the performers head........ I had a moment to choose what to look at...The Act....or.......the hair......<br /><br />I chose the hair...and as she was dancing about, totally oblivious to what she had just lost...my eye rocked back and forth to the weightless piece of hair illuminated by the stage lighting slowly, fall, to the ground....<br /><br />at that moment I wondered if anyone else had seen it.... it was a packed house......<br /><br />And then I did something weird...and felt something really weird....<br />I turned to her and asked, 'did you see that piece of hair fall from her head?'<br />She said, 'No? I didn't see that....Why?'<br />I replied with, 'No reason'...........and then I began to cry.....The Jordin Cry...the famous one...where you can hide your tears and you can cry so silently that no one knows you are crying.......<br />why was i crying???<br /><br /><br />Because something in my head said to me, 'if you were here....I would think you would have also noticed the hair......'<br /><br />I have a lot of stuff to say to you....and I know you read this....<br />I am going to work now.......I will write when I get done at the met at 3 or 4 am....<br /><br />To Be Continuedurn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:1000loveletters:10627I am the most selfish selfless person in the world.2007-10-04T07:51:44Z2007-10-04T07:51:44ZToday one of my coworkers was looking at Engagement Rings. I know his girlfriend. He was looking at them so jokingly.. I mean, he was serious about the idea of it...but was saying things like, 'yeah, she had better like this one...' or 'this one is too expensive for her'....and so on, and so on.<br /><br />He said, 'im thinking about doing it on christmas....do you think that's tacky?' and I said, 'a little, but i also think its very romantic, and I know she would be really happy'. he said, 'if i can't afford it, she's just going to have to wait until next year'<br /><br />I smiled......It was this weird emotion that came over me, that I am not used to. It was genuine happiness for someone else, and what is going on with them.. Normally I am so selfish....I am the most selfish, selfless person in the world...but I was happy for him....and I looked at him and smiled...but he didn't look up, he was still making jokes about the rings..<br /><br />my genuine smile went nowhere, to no one...so i just turned back to my computer kind of embarassed. Like going in for a first kiss and then getting a hug instead.....you soul kind of aches. I mean, you have to be at a level of awareness with all situations at all times (which i normally am) to even understand what I am talking about now...but it is true..<br /><br />AND THEN I GOT MAD.... how could he trivialize this? How could he make jokes..What a fucking asshole. This is going to be the most important moment of this girls life...and he's trivializing it..<br /> How lucky is this sunuvabitch anyways? He has someone very attractive, completely devoted to him....utterly devoted.. I've seen it. She fucking loves him, and she will NEVER stray....although, he might.. I kind of see it.. not cos he's cute at all. He's probably a 3 and she's an 8. But he just talks to her like she's stupid and treats her kinda like dog crap....and totally manipulates her.....and she's hopelessly devoted to him...<br /><br />How fucking lucky...<br /><br />Also...I realized something weird. I know the feeling is probably not recripricated but I have never NOT wanted to hang out with her. I have never NOT wanted to spend time with her, and never wanted to NOT share something with her...I've known her a long time too...years. You would think that in that time there would be one instance where I was like, 'ugh, i have to see her, I am just not in the mood right now'...<br /><br />i think that is love. I also, think that if you think of someone...and think of the things that you would NOT do for them.......If that list is truly and honestly is blank, than you love someone.<br /><br />you know..ive always said to her 'if you got some bad burn that mutated you....it wouldn't matter...' cos honestly, i just love you for who you are. ugh.. its so annoying to love so purely. And just fucking burst at the god damn seams every time she does something special which is all the fucking time cos shes amazing....<br /><br />ugh...<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />tonight i got dropped off....and as I was saying goodbye.....she decided to tell me a story...<br />some story from the bottom of her heart....about her schedule and life and stuff..<br /><br />all i did while she was talking, was let my eyes dart to and from her steering wheel to the volume button on the cd player in her car...back and fourth, back and fourth, back and fourth..<br />I couldn't even repeat a combination of two words that she said..<br />and all I could think was, 'why did you have to pick the longest story you've know, to tell me before I leave.... I see my door, I want to make a break for it'<br />i wanted to make a break for it.<br />I wanted to leave.....but i did not want to go to my house.<br /><br />I dont understand. I am 25 years old........its almost 2008......<br />where am I going to be this new years? who am I going to be with???<br />Last new years at midnight I was crying on a stoop outside of a club in Boston... what a pathetic new years.....it's totally embarasing... I am embarassing and a sad fucking excuse for a human..<br /><br />just stuck on..<br />just stuck on...<br /><br />the past couple years (minus all of 2007 and 2006) have been the greatest years. honestly, I got to experience life with someone I never grew tired of, even until the last threads of time broke on us. Even now.urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:1000loveletters:10332"the pull of one magnet, to another......magnet to another...'2007-10-02T11:02:58Z2007-10-02T11:02:58Zit just goes to show you that you can't judge a book by its cover. Today I learned that lesson. I love my job at The Met.. There is this one bartender that I didn't think I liked...and then at close he got me really drunk and we talked, and had a lot in common..then he tipped me out 2X what everyone else tips me out!! and said 'if thats the most you've gotten than people are being selfish"<br /><br />and it made me think......that all the people that I like...maybe THEY suck...and maybe the people that I don't know, and that I pre-judge DONT suck.....<br /><br />The only thing I can honestly say that I LOVE right now........is the new tegan and sara album.... It is the most amazing thing ever..by far the most amazing album I have ever heard..and yes I am comparing it to the beatles...and the beach boys.....and taking back sunday and dashboard confessional.....<br />its better.....<br /><br />it sucks that I hadn't heard it when they played their show..and when I got to interview them, and when I go to meet them backstage...I know now what I would have asked then. I guess I will have to wait till their dec 3rd show taht we are putting on.<br />I hate how lesbians like them because they are gay....how about they listen to the music.......its amazing..its the most amazing thing ever..from back to front...<br /><br />The last thought I had before I fell asleep sunday night...after I decided to come home..was 'I think you get 20 points for not crying'..........<br /><br />20 points for not crying...20 points....<br />the thing that sucks, is no one cares about points. Seriously. I probably have aquired a million points.... but it doesn't matter...<br /><br />Rob Femur was fired from the end, because of me...he fucked up and went on air and said fucked up stuff, and I told on him...everyone said I did the right thing...cos he was giving out the bosses cell phone number on the air...and he was swearing and saying how other radio stations were better....but i was the one who heard it..and I was the one who told the boss..<br /><br />someone said to me, 'its like working at a fast food joint..and not telling your boss that some guy was spitting in the burgers'<br /><br />oh man..I haven't had a burger in so fucking long..<br />I weighed myself yesterday...I lost 10 pounds...i am proud of myself...you can't really SEE the weight loss yet (even though my friends say they can!) <br /><br />I am excited for tomorrow..<br />I am excited for wednesday..its comedy centrals 'comedians of comedy' tour at the showbox. A bunch of comedians from the Sarah Silverman show are going to be there..and when I met them and Tig Notaro I got their phone numbers. I am going to hang out with them!!! I am excited<br />Thurs through Saturday a well NEEDED vacation.<br /><br />My show got extended 2 hours.. I now am on air Sat from 6 to Mid.....<br />Sunday...day of rest...<br /><br />all i want to do is lay in bed and watch movies<br />all i want to do is lay in bed and watch movies<br />all i want to do is lay in bed and watch movies<br />all i want to do is lay in bed and watch movies<br />all i want to do is lay in bed and watch movies<br />all i want to do is lay in bed and watch movies<br />all i want to do is lay in bed and watch movies<br />all i want to do is lay in bed and watch movies<br />all i want to do is lay in bed and watch movies<br />all i want to do is lay in bed and watch movies<br />all i want to do is lay in bed and watch movies<br /><br /><br />UGH...<br />i dont have anyhting deep to say tonight.. tomorrow night i may...<br /><br /><br />"the pull of one magnet, to another......magnet to another...'urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:1000loveletters:10191Everything I say...I say to me first...everything I do...I do to me first2007-10-01T08:20:03Z2007-10-01T08:20:03Zgod damn it I read it....<br />god damn it......<br /><br />and I was going to give up..maybe not tonight, but maybe some time this week...or totally this month... it was all just coming to close to an end. I realized I was in love more with the Tegan and Sara album I was listening to on the ride out there, than the reason I was going out there..<br /><br />god that sounds harsh.....<br />but it is true.<br />its true...<br /><br />But as i sat on her bed, flipping through the channels to VH1........I looked to my god damn left....I SHOULDN'T HAVE LOOKED...But I did....to my left...to the left...<br /><br />right by her alarm clock, she left her journal open...and I read it..without hesitation.<br />I didn't understand most of her cursive.. I don't really understand people who WRITE in cursive....but whatever...<br />she was in the bathroom...I picked it up and read the last line....<br />I stared so hard, that when I close my eyes now, I can see her cursive handwriting still....burned into my eyes, and burned into my mind..<br /><br />"please only wake me......if you can breathe life into me"<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />and when she came back in..she looked different... I tried so hard not to show her that things were different... It was like the moment you tell someone that you are in love with them...or no..the moment you realize you are in love with someone...and they just, look different. <br /><br />I didn't notice her sense of humor. I didn't notice the way that she spoke that is always so happy... I didn't notice her snide comment...I did notice her eyes...but not in the same way that I normally do..full of life and happiness, even though we both know that is a lie...we're two dead people that get along...dead on the inside......and we don't work well with each other.<br /><br />I didn't notice her eyes......but i did notice the bags under them. and when I saw that...it was what you could imagine... It was like walking into the room that your sick grandmother was in...and being the first to realize she was dead..... It hit me like a wall.. I wanted to cry...<br /><br />I wanted to help. I just wanted to take all of her pain away.. all of it. I wanted to give her hope.. I wanted her eyes to focus souly on me, but I also wanted her to never look at me again.<br />I know this feeling... I haven't felt it in a long time..but i know it..<br />this is the same feeling that kept me away from the Taco Bell by our house in Raleigh..when I would go with the boys, and i would have to leave cos all I wanted to do was cry, cos there was some girl who worked there that made me so fucking sad... when our eyes locked, i felt her fucking pain..<br /><br /><br />she didn't touch me.. it was weird...but i think when we are together, its weird...its like we're cell mates.....<br />we just watched the TV...in silence....<br />at one point, i couldn't take it any more..and I laid my head on her knee......she put her hand on my back.... it was supposed to comfort, but it didn't...I am not the one that needs the comfort....she does....<br /><br />and I can not be that for her.....urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:1000loveletters:98811000loveletters @ 2007-09-30T03:10:002007-09-30T10:36:10Z2007-09-30T10:36:10Zits so quiet at this hour....I walked home from hour 12 of working, at 3am...and all I could think about was how quiet it was outside. How sick and shaky I was when I went into my second job, but how it got brushed off when I had something else to think about.<br /><br />I don't know what it is about me.... I have a friend...I get close to them...and then they start to bother me, and I know our friendship will not last very long...Ugh, you'd think I am a bad person, but I swear to god I am not..<br /><br />Just very, contradictory. My whole life I have been unapologetic for being so contradictory. Some guy at the bar that saw jordan and I together said, 'whats going on with you two?' I said, 'im taking things slow.....' he said, 'you're young, you shouldn't take things slow..when you're 30, thats when you have to be serious..'..... <br /><br />I knew what I wanted to say. I knew what I was thinking..... I wanted to say, 'I do not want to drag a girl into this mess that I am right now!! She doesn't need to go down WITH me. I am not stable.....and I am NOT o-fucking KAY... and im kinda mad at everyone for everything... I'm totally pa-fucking-thetic, .and im REALLY annoyed by pretty much EVERYONE and EVERYTHING right now. If there was a hole I could crawl in and die, I fucking would. If there wasn't a MOVIE that my roommate had that didn't make me fucking cry I WOULD WATCH IT and maybe for a god damn second, this little pounding thing in my fucking chest would STOP, and give me some rest...<br />maybe for one second it wouldn't be so hard to breathe...and every time someone SIGHS I wouldn't be so fucking pissed off to hear their LOUD-ASS EXHALE.<br />at 30 I will be married or dead..... I can fucking promise you that... I cant even see myself that old... everyone our age gets those fucking crows whatever around their eyes..we're getting so fucking old..it's scary.....<br /><br />and i don't know what I want...thats for sure....from what to eat, to where to live, to what to do, to who to trust.....I DON'T KNOW A GOD DAMN THING.. I don't know myself.. I obviously don't know OTHERS. I love most of my friends, but I really think they're annoying, and i hate the rest of them. <br />I want to save money, and lose weight. I've been doing so good with that. I lost another 7lbs and saved almost $200. But then there are those nights where you just say 'FUCK IT'..and you get drunk and fat and use that money..<br /><br />working at a bar really turns me off to drinking. Which is good.. someone told me I drank a lot.. I told them 'you don't know me'....<br /><br />WHERE THE FUCK AM I??? HONESTLY.....<br /><br />I asked, 'is karma going to bite me in the ass' to the PUREST person I knew...and he said, 'hell no jordin.....you got a RAW DEAL...you seriously did!'... .when the purest man says that....I'm pretty sure you got a RAW deal!<br /><br />They all say, there are three stages...<br />HURT/ANGRY/OVER IT... I think i'm the /<br /><br />at least last night my dream was with a girl....and of course, I woke up right when it started to happen. <br /><br />I heard a song in my head for the first time.. I dont know why i was thinking of it...It was one of those moments where you hear a song, and you think it's something totally different than it is...<br /><br />I heard this:<br /><br /><br />And so it is<br /> Just like you said it would be<br /> Life goes easy on me<br /> Most of the time<br /> And so it is<br /> The shorter story<br /> No love, no glory<br /> No hero in her sky<br /> <br /> I can't take my eyes off of you<br /> I can't take my eyes off you<br /> I can't take my eyes off of you<br /> I can't take my eyes off you<br /> I can't take my eyes off you<br /> I can't take my eyes...<br /> <br /> And so it is<br /> Just like you said it should be<br /> We'll both forget the breeze<br /> Most of the time<br /> And so it is<br /> The colder water<br /> The blower's daughter<br /> The pupil in denial<br /> <br /> I can't take my eyes off of you<br /> I can't take my eyes off you<br /> I can't take my eyes off of you<br /> I can't take my eyes off you<br /> I can't take my eyes off you<br /> I can't take my eyes...<br /> <br /> Did I say that I loathe you?<br /> Did I say that I want to<br /> Leave it all behind?<br /> <br /> I can't take my mind off of you<br /> I can't take my mind off you<br /> I can't take my mind off of you<br /> I can't take my mind off you<br /> I can't take my mind off you<br /> I can't take my mind...<br /> My mind...my mind...<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />oh god....the tears.....It's so fucking quiet.....and it's so fucking close.......it's like a magnifying glass for hearing...I feel as if i tried hard enough my ears could hear everything..<br />can you hear me crying...<br />this is the first time i've cried in a week or two about this.....no...more like a week..<br /><br />why did you have to take everything special?<br />why did you have to go and be so romantic?<br />those nights you would trace the outine of my body...<br />why did it have to feel so good?<br />why did the purest thing either one of us will ever feel, ever have to end..<br /><br />this is why i dont want a girlfriend, now...<br />this is what no one under-fucking-stands...<br />this is why it hurts...<br />I guess i'm the H..<br /><br /><br />what will it be like in a year? and can that year come faster, please? I am so good.. I really am. I think mean thoughts, but i keep them to myself.. I want to do mean things, but i keep them to myself.. I am mean, but i keep it to myself...urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:1000loveletters:9488egg, egg, egg.......egg, egg, egg, egg...2007-09-29T03:20:48Z2007-09-29T03:21:12Zit comes in waves...... At this point I can choke it down, but I don't know how much more my little body can handle before a break down. I just keep telling myself, 'fight through until the 1st of November' and then Southwest Airlines is going to take me the fuck away from this place..<br /><br />Its not that i hate everyone, and it's not that I hate everything....It's just the fact that I don't belong..<br />and at this moment, I need something.<br /><br />I want to write in here everything that is in my head...... I was listening to the new tegan and sara album in my car...god that thing is perfection.... I just thought how amazing it would be to know them. I think they understand the world in the way that I do..... It would be nice to meet someone else who does...<br /><br />because otherwise, my friend is coming over to do my hair, and we'll laugh about things..and it will be funny, and then we'll go to bed, and it will be nice to have someone keeping that side of the bed warm. When I am sad she hugs me and holds me..she rubs my back when i cry......she came to my rescue.......<br />but it's not what I want.... not what I need.. I think she feels bad for me more than anything....<br /><br />you know when you fall apart? Theres always that one person who will help you through it..who will stick by your side..and your natural retort ' i dont want you around! i dont want you to go down with me'. and they say, 'I want to help you'..and then you cast them off.....but they don't leave..they sleep at the foot of your bed like a dog, then nurse you through whatever, even if it means they miss world, and family functions? Where is that person?? I did have a friend like that once...Katie Evans.<br /><br />I feel like people belittle my life, a lot. I know it happens at work. I had a talk with my boss, and i told him one thing..now he's opening all these doors for me...and he asks me, 'how are you? are things better?'<br />I say, 'yes'..but honestly, they are not.....I'm done telling the truth, cos when I did, for a second, it didn't matter. <br /><br />Ironically, I am a very optimistic person...<br /><br />her sheets must be way nicer than mine.....you always liked nice sheets...urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:1000loveletters:94554 chances2007-09-28T06:25:31Z2007-09-28T06:25:31Zits always the eyes that go first. why is this? Around 23 or 24 there is this thing that happens to girls eyes, and it just such a fucking turn off.....they turn all old like...like that scene in titanic where Rose's eyes turn into the OLD roses eyes....<br /><br />It's like when Jamie Vansikle drove me to the mall... We were dating, and it was like 2000. She wrote me sweet letters...but it all ment nothing, when we were going to the mall that one time and i noticed her hands were HUGE.....she went to FIT in New York...although, that never ment anything to me...<br /><br />you ask 'what is the most romantic moment you've had' and when they answer.... it doesn't even compare to the LEAST romantic moment YOU'VE HAD...and you even suggested, 'did you read her a story on tape, and send it to her so she could hear your voice every night before she goes to sleep?'<br /><br />sounds cheesy right? well, if it sounds cheesy, then fuck you. I dont want to know anyone (friend or lover) who thinks that is cheesy. I think it is sweet, and romantic...and way deeper than 99% of the population could think of themselves..<br /><br />the world is just so vapid...every day I surround myself with people that I think could never 'write it'...I ask myself......'I am sitting in a room of 10 friends...how many of these people could 'write it?' and i think to myself...ONE...and that person is me..<br /><br />I wish I knew more people that could 'write it'.. I wish I could meet one MORe person to inspire me, then maybe I wouldn't hang on as much as i do. <br /><br />People ask me who I am.. I reply with 'you see blue.... I see yellow and green" they don't get it.....then i don't get them.. Machines... every day its the same thing with the same point. I want to meet someone working for a fucking goal...spirtiual or not.. I can not know a dweller.<br /><br />'you must choose between a life of happiness, and a life of meaning......'<br />'cant I have both?"<br />'no.....someone who chooses a life of happiness lives in the NOW...someone who chooses a life of meaning, lives in the past...and works for the future'.<br />'one cannot have both'<br /><br />I don't think i have a big head...just know that I have an understanding of the world that most people do not have. <br /><br />Ugh eyes....breasts, whatever..<br /><br />I have four chances to get sleep at night...<br />only four<br />and i am taking one of them.<br />tonight.urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:1000loveletters:9068tomatoes2007-09-27T07:44:17Z2007-09-27T07:46:59Zi dont have anything poetic to say.<br />i am sick...<br />and i want nothing more than to watch movies in bed.....all day......and wish that Apollo 13 wasn't the last one.<br /><br />I waved goodbye to someone very speical to me yesterday..<br /><br />every day is a 14 hour day..<br />I had my meeting monday.<br />I was offered another air shift.....and more money...<br />but what did I tell him?<br /><br />I've been saving money. It is amazing. Except saturday night I dropped $95 at the Cha Cha while I was hanging out with Hot Hot Heat trying to score them Cocaine..... I was successful.... It was a good night<br /><br />but<br />what is the trick to 'prepping' tomatoes?? <br />I just can't seem to cut them right...urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:1000loveletters:87331000loveletters @ 2007-09-19T02:51:002007-09-19T09:56:07Z2007-09-19T09:56:07ZI begged....but he wouldn't let me go. He told me to stay. I told him I hadn't seen him in this light, and I didn't know what i thought of it.. Big words for a small person...<br /> <br />I told him 'I've had this conversation with you one million times.....and you are saying exactly how it sounded in my head.'<br /><br />the problem was, he wasn't absorbing the words that I was saying..<br />While he presented a solution to everything, I still couldn't look at him, in the eye..<br /><br />Its so hard to see the world the way that I do. Hard doesn't even begin to explain it. It's painful... I can look at someone in the eyes, and take their pain into me...even when I am not trying.. It's like a superpower....The superpower to hurt, with everyone, and everything.<br /><br />Do you know those random moments where something in the back of your mind says to be upset? For no reason at all..and you do.... Well picture that times ten...Picture being able to predict what someone did wrong, that they haven't told anyone. Picture being able to spot a cutter out of a crowd of people as if they had a diamond over their head that only you can see..I know their pain... I feel it.. I feel it with them too.<br />I used to care... I used to try....<br />now it just annoys me..<br />The thought of any of it, exhausts me. <br /><br />the only problem is that when we talked about it, everyone was in the room.. and he is not the kind of person to keep his voice down..whispers turned into rumors, and now, there is no other option..<br /><br />My mother says I sabotage my goals..<br /><br />What if I would have told him the truth... What if I would have told him that for the past two weeks, I keep waking up in the middle of the night to nothing...to black....and all I can think is I have nothing to look forward to...and my brain really thinks it!!!<br /><br />What if I told him that girl he wanted me to have sex with, REALLY DID seduce me, on saturday night? What if he knew we left arm in arm......What if he knew I was nervous? What would he think about that??<br /><br />And what would he think of me, If he knew that while she made herself comfortable in my bed, and waited... I too waited.....in the bathroom....for her to pass out, before I went to my bed?<br /><br />I don't think he'd think too highly of me...even though I think very highly of myself..<br /><br />I remember the first person I slept with, after olivia... we never touch eachother.....She merely laid in my bed, with her arm around my stomach..<br /><br />.I thanked the lord for two things that night...The dark...........and how I have perfected the art of crying in complete silence....<br /><br />I don't really believe in silence..... Even in the quietest moments, there is always that slight 'ringing' in your ears.... a 'white noise' if you will....<br /><br />....i do remember the 'quietest' moments in my life though. They will always remain the happiest..<br /><br />I believe in predestination. I believe in fate.....and I believe i have no FUCKING clue what I am doing... That was my answer "I dont want this to be a mistake, I don't want this to be a mistake... I dont want this to be a mistake'.. he calmed me down with a hand on my shoulder and said, 'it'll always be there'.......in my head I thought (But I will not!) my answer was a smile....<br /><br />I harbor so many things inside of me...so many true, passionate thoughts....i never tell anyone anything. I take shit from people all the time now, because I know what I have to say in response is so true, and so much better than the what they would say, that it would cut them to the core..<br /><br />so, I touch.... only slightly...on things.. For the fear of my true thoughts, and seeing my true abilities, and realizing what I am, when I think so highly of myself.<br /><br />I keep writing letters.....<br />they all end with 'please tell me you like the beach boys.........that is all that I ask, is that you like the beach boys'..<br /><br />ironically, the name of this live journal is from a song I never finished...<br />"and I wrote her 1000 love letters...that she will never read...that she would never read...'<br /><br /><br />I believe in predestionation. I believe in fate...... and I believe that the name of the person you are supposed to be with, is written, in the lines of the inside of your left hand..<br />....In my left hand, I see the same name i have seen since I discovered this ...the name of someone I still, have never met.....<br /><br />please tell me you like the beach boys...urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:1000loveletters:8198if that text message says 'hurry up'... i'm going to be very, very angry......2007-09-17T01:28:14Z2007-09-17T01:28:14ZIt's one of those days....where you think of a random band....and a random song..(that you have never heard before)..download it to an mp3 player....find a spot somewhere in the world where no one will bother you....and collapse on your back..looking up at the sky...and thinking how little you are.....you just let the song take over...<br /><br />some days, I can be content with that sort of thing....other days I cannot...but today, I can be..<br /><br />and now i'm being told to 'rush, rush, rush'..... I want a vacation.. I want to relax....and when I get the time to do that sort of thing....everything in my life changes, and I start something new, which won't let me go on a vacation whenever i deserve it...<br /><br />I was sleepwalking.. When I woke up, I was in a bookstore. Of all places! ME! In a bookstore. I knew why i was there..but i couldn't tell you how my conscious mind got me there. <br /><br />I found it....what I was looking for.. The Kurt Cobain Journals. All the famous rockstars died at 27.. I wanted to know why. I want in their brains... I wanted in his brain... I was salavating at the mouth as i anxiously turned the pages, expecting to see something. Something that would make my weary eyes stop crying for just one minute... Something to ease this pain.... the best feeling in the world is knowing that someone else is going through what you are going through.....<br />I thumbed, and thumbed, and thumbed......<br />and after 200 pages......of his personal thoughts....nothing.... not one thought was the same as mine. He was some anti-goverment hippie. <br /><br />I hadn't been that disappointed in about seven days......<br /><br />I wandered home...I took the long way....I heard a plane.. I stopped in my place... I looked up.....it made so much noise.......and the i focused on the sound.....you can do this any time........ I listened as the sound got quieter, and quieter......I followed the plane....'til it didn't make a single sound, yet, I could still see it...<br /><br />Why???<br /><br />Thats what I wondered....Why?? Why can I still see it, but I can not hear it? I saw it disappear over a hill...... I looked at a house that was the size of a grain of salt from where I was standing.... I wondered what those people were doing..... I wonder what it would be like to be them....For a second, I wanted to.......<br />but then my brain caught me and it made me think of the movie Armageddon...where 'they' were playing with animal crackers. That scene is so romantic.......I just started crying..<br /><br /><br /> I've been writings letters I will never send..<br /><br /> I've been writings letters I will never send..<br /><br /> I've been writings letters I will never send..<br />I've been writings letters I will never send..<br /><br />great..now i am really late...she's going to be mad....<br />and.....you never keep this one waiting.urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:1000loveletters:79751000loveletters @ 2007-09-12T01:57:002007-09-12T09:11:42Z2007-09-12T09:28:46ZMe:'i had fun'<br />Her:'i had a funner time'<br />Me'i had the funnest time'<br />Her:i had the funnest time x100'<br />Me:'I had the funnest time, X infinity'<br />Her:'i had the funnest time X infinity plus 1'<br /><br />I let her have it....I didn't really have fun...it's just the polite thing to say..On top of that, there was something beyond Infinity +1...and I know what it is......but... I just felt like letting her 'have it'...I do that a lot... I let people think they 'one up' me.....they don't....I just let them...To watch their reaction...to let them think I am inferior.... I know the truth anyways....<br /><br />I described her....... I said, 'there is 'there'.... I said, 'there is 'cute'.... I said 'there is something called, 'you call your friend hot but they really aren't you just let them think that because they are dumb'...then there is 'hot'....and then there is 'her'.<br /><br />it got around the radio station......that's what I don't know. I asked who started the rumor.....I didn't get an answer.....it's just like, 'the radio station is another world'.....<br /><br />It's happened again...that would be the second night in a row...and.....third night if you didn't count that night that 'didn't count'..... I woke up.....in the middle of the night.....and all i could think was 'i dont have anything to look forward to'........... wow...it doesn't sound as powerful as it is..to wake up to black, and not remember who you are or what you've done.......there is always work....there is always work...<br /><br />while she held my hand, and we walked to her house...she told me she was going to marry someone else...someone who worked for the government.....at that moment, I realized who it was....who else holds her body at night....who has touched her lips with theirs...she said they were 'older'.......It's taking everything in me to not go to her myspace and see happy pictures....vacations....I wonder, 'what does she give you that I can't...she said she's bored....I wonder, 'why then....why??? WHY???'<br /><br />the tears are rolling in now.......to the 'why'...<br /><br />I've always been Christian...... I've always been the tormented poet... I read back on journals of 'Satine'... I know the date, time and place...<br /><br />"She is Satine...and I am Christian....and the other girl is 'The Duke'..... She can't be with me right now...but we hide our love affair....we are the two that are supposed to be together,...but....we can't right now because of "The Duke"<br /><br />I think of her hands on yours...it sickens me...I think of her hands in places of yours....it beyond sickens me.........WHAT DOES SHE GIVE YOU THAT I CANT?? WHAT???? TELL ME......WHAT??<br /><br />I am everything you need... I am deep..and my love for you is strong....powerful....its real....it's fucking real....<br /><br />its real... I swear to you its real.....<br />i'm so worried you are going to realize it when it is too late....<br /><br /><br /> I was making a joke...a piece of me thinks she is serious....but why....I said, 'everything changed' but I fell back into the same thing..<br /><br />my friend whispered in my ear, 'don't tell her....if you do.. i'll get in trouble...It's a secret......so if you tell her, don't let her know that I knew..okay?'<br /><br />...i'm always the one getting in trouble..........<br /><br />there is a song....that has played twice today...it has brought me to tears twice...its like the song has followed me...all i can hear is the opening line...<br /><br />'this is the first day of my life...im glad i didn't die...before i met you'.......<br /><br />how could you date someone who doesn't even have a real first name...<br /><br />its jealousy...call it out..pin point it..whatever....whatever you call it....<br /><br />i tried tonight.....i tried really hard......i cried tonight... i cried REALLY hard.....but i woke up...in the middle of the night with no purpose....<br /><br />tell them i drank it all away..it's not the wine.....its not the wine<br />money can't buy you anything......this love is so hard to come by..whyyyyyyy areee yyooouu messsinngg it uppp?? why??<br /><br />soon it will be too late..soon it will be too late...soon it will be too late....<br />come to my window....<br />sing me a song......<br />leave me a flower.....<br /><br />win me back...<br />because i am the girl.....i am the girl....i am the girl......<br /><br />'this is the first day of my life.......<br />this is the first day of my life........<br />this is the first day of my life.....<br />this is the last day....of my life'...................<br /><br />i tried tonight<br />give me the tools<br />im ready...urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:1000loveletters:79301000loveletters @ 2007-09-07T00:43:002007-09-07T08:08:28Z2007-09-07T08:19:46Zdear mom,<br /> i am sorry you had to learn about this, this way. I just wanted you to know that your face was the last I saw, before I did this. Your warm smile kept me warm and safe through it all.<br /><br />I will try to keep it simple, and short; because I know as years go by, you will look back on these words and you will have doubts and unanswerable questions. I will start this off with:<br /><br /><br /><br />'Please don't have any doubts. Don't come to any conclusions, please don't try to understand me. And most importantly, you never did anything wrong. I was not born wrong, I was not raised poorly, nothing really tramatic ever happened to me, and I knew that you loved me as much as you could. That is all that I could ever ask for.<br /><br />I am picturing your face right now.....<br /> <br />I beg you to not blame this on any of my lovers, for they are the ones who helped shape me into who I am. Without them and you, I would never have felt the short lived euphoria that I treasured so much. Please do not blame this on my surroundings, or my friends. Please do not blame this on my life choices, and once again, please do not blame yourself.<br /><br />I know I am not going the same place you are, and that makes me the saddest. I keep praying for an accident, so then maybe I can see you again, but my prayers have not been answered..and I think this is the way it is supposed to be.<br /><br />I don't believe in much, but I have spent my entire life believing in fate....and love....most definitely fate.,, above all things, I believe in love.<br /><br />I have had a pact with myself that I will do this, now. All the years leading up to this. <br /><br />Blame it on having a heart too big, and the ability to see the world in a way that most of the world can't. But please, don't be sad mom. Just know I would rather have had an hour of feeling the way that I do, than an entire lifetime feeling the way the rest of the world does...<br /><br />I know we didn't know each other well.....but I admire you. I still do...and I always will..and you are the only person on earth I looked up to.<br /><br />Christmas eve 1987. I remember it well. After being tucked into bed, I looked at the stars out of my window....I saw a shooting one....I thought it was santa claus...<br />.....That night mom...I fell asleep....and I swear to god, I never woke up....<br /><br />Tell my father and my brother goodbye for me..<br />love,<br />your daughter 9/7/07 1:19am<br /><br />...if you want to know me......listen to my record collection..urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:1000loveletters:7604its only eighteen...its only eighteen....its only eighteen2007-09-06T08:38:44Z2007-09-06T08:38:44Z368...its 368...followed by so many other dates. In a row...*pow* *pow* *pow*<br />I have a huge bruise on my leg........I like to show people...and when they say its 'nasty'. I tell them, 'if you think thats bad, you should see my heart'.<br />a surfing trip. with a special person. we stopped infront of a gym. I observed someone running, very focused.....very intent...completely intense.....I asked, 'Why do people spend so much time working out their body, and not working out their mind at all'.<br />Everyone took it as a joke....but I was serious.<br /><br />You know the end of movies....when, two people have to end something beautiful for specific reasons.....and there is a scene of one person looking out a window (or something), and transparent memories flash on the screen? They are so cute, so sentimental, that the entire audience is crying....because after 2 hours they fell in love with the character, and their sense of hope..and they know they are supposed to be together...but the fact is they are not....<br />its weird...its memories I haven't thought of in years...theirs even dust in my mind. But they are so intense, and sad, and strong that there is a pain in me I had never felt before...and that is what I feel...an ultimate pain...the kind that makes it hard to breath.<br />I've done a good job ignoring it. Find other plans, other people. I have two jobs now. I run 15 to 20 minutes every day, and I have been eating healthy for 3 weeks. Someone said I lost 15 pounds. I hope. <br />Mostly, I've been doing a lot of thinking. Thoughts I haven't had in a really long time. And lately, I haven't been afraid to say them. <br /><br />.....I dont know who I am anymore. I thought I did, but I think I was wrong. I think about the 'me' that moved here, and I miss that person, but growing up, is growing up.....and I am no longer that person..<br /><br />This is the first time I can say that I think of her when I masturbate....not in the sexy kind of way...and not in the intentional kind of way. In the way that when I do it, an image pops in my head of the comfort I felt, and the love...<br /> I haven't had an orgasm in the past month that hasn't made me cry. By myself, or with someone.....<br /><br /> I know it's just pain...I know it's just what makes me feel alive...Years ago, I loved the way this felt.....now its like an all-too-familiar drug. <br />I know it hurts beacuse I really, really did love her, and this is a time of bereavement, Its best to grieve as much as possible.... because maybe one day it will feel better..<br /><br />I talk to myself...especially in the shower......<br /><br />She said, 'I gave you my phone number so long ago...it's about time that you called me'<br />I nodded...I couldn't say a word..<br />She said she had one of my songs stuck in her head....<br />I was flattered...but I still could not speak.<br />She said, 'tell me a story'.....<br /><br />I can remember the moment, and every word I said... .it was in one of those 'whisper voices'.........the kind that hold back tears..<br /><br />I said......<br /><br />When I was in 4th grade a new girl came into our class..The teacher introduced her, and she sat next to me. While everyone else was studying Social Studdies.....my brain was hard at work...dealing with these feelings I couldn't identify.<br /><br />I was sad for that girl......I was sad that she was new....I was sad that she didn't know anything about anyone....and that she was probably alone...<br /><br />at that moment..stairing at the new girl.....I looked around at the 28 other students and said to myself, 'i am glad I am never going to leave this group..<br /><br />That night my mother told me we were moving to Maine....and I moved.... I never felt like I fit in there. I always felt like there was a history that 'made' people...and I wasn't a part of it... I wasn't part of the back story.... so I was alone....<br /><br />and then I moved to north carolina...to fill that void..but it didn't happen..<br />and then i moved to seattle..... my 'pit stop' to california..... I was only planning on staying 3 months.......<br /><br />but then I met her......the girl who said she was always thinking of the perfect 'soundtrack'...the only person I ever met who said they too always pretended like they were in a movie.........the girl who cried, and held me during all the credits of garden state. The girl who gave me my first line of cocaine. <br /><br />and for the first time, in my entire life.....I felt 'home'.... 'home was inside of her'.... home was the way she let me hold her at night (and only she knows what I am talking about)<br />how I would listen in silence to her breath, until I knew she was asleep, and then fall asleep after her, just to protect her..<br /><br />even up to the last day, I can remember thanking god for knowing her..<br /><br />what happened to the girl who cried during garden state?<br />or the one who would read 'tuesdays with maury'<br />who would hold me all night,<br />and when i woke up, I would be in her arms<br /><br /> I guess i have to get over it. I guess i am left with no other choice than to move on...I am sad....very sad....<br /><br />but I will be mourning into the morning<br />and then I will force myself to not think about it, for another weekurn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:1000loveletters:72481000loveletters @ 2007-07-13T01:43:002007-07-13T08:47:54Z2007-07-13T08:47:54ZI just masturbated, and then I saw a picture of chris carrabba from Dashboard Confessional (after..believe me...after) and I just started crying.<br /><br />I am really good with understanding my emotions. And understanding where they come from. But, I have no explination for this. I still feel the cool tears on my warm face, right now. <br /><br />I can honestly tell you it just got hard to breathe... I was just gasping for air....and I dont want to dry my face, because I dont know why I just burst into tears.....my mind wasn't even thinking about why I am sad.... <br /> it was so surprising... Its the same surprised feeling when you get dressed for summer, when you see the sun out..but when you step outside..its totally freezing..<br /><br />I just cried...out of nowhere...I know why..but I dont know why my mind was thinking about that.....<br />its guilt<br />its sadness<br />its failure...<br /><br />but dont you understand...im doing this for you....urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:1000loveletters:68131000loveletters @ 2006-09-09T11:04:002006-09-09T18:04:31Z2006-09-09T18:04:31Zi just cant do this anymore... i can't... I dont see any love in her eyes for me. At all.. She dosen't even treat me well....at all..im backburner priority.....backburner.. oh im so alone.....so alone... it hurts so bad.. i cant stop crying and she wont wipe my tears when i do...<br />why did she cry and ask me to come back after i had been gone a few days?<br />Why did she clean and fold my laundry?<br />why is she so difficult..<br />why are her friends attached to the hip? That should be me?<br />hWhy does she get so defensive when i bring other things up..<br /><br />what about the rumors..<br />what about an inside source saying i shouldn't buy her that phone because shes 'done something to not deserve it'..<br /><br />why cant she just fucking love me.<br />thats all i ask..<br />that isn't a lot..urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:1000loveletters:64671000loveletters @ 2005-10-09T12:51:002005-10-09T19:51:46Z2005-10-09T19:51:46Zoh man , i havn't written in here in so long..<br />i am so sad...<br />so fucking sad..<br />there is nothing to say but sad..<br />im hanging out with new people<br />fun people...<br />but the whole time I just think, 'oh god, we would have so much fun if we were doing this together'<br />walking down broadway by myself<br />dreaming of you so much that i make you appear..<br />these are the thoughts i have<br />these are the thoughts that i can't tell you..<br />but god, i wish i could tell you..<br /><br />i wish i could say everything i want to, to you.<br />i wish i could be there for you.<br />i am so sad you left..<br />becuase i am so alone..<br />im crying all the time<br />and i dont want to move on...<br />i dont..<br />i keep thinking that maybe you'll change your mind<br />ONE MORE YEAR<br />JUST DO IT ONE MORE YEAR HERE<br />GIVE ME THE TIME TO GET MY LIFE TOGETHER<br />AND WE CAN FACE THE WORLD ALONE<br />I DONT CARE ABOUT ANYHTING<br />come back to seattle.<br />please..<br />one more year<br />juts finish school...<br />one more year..<br />Live at the murphys..<br /><br /><br />the worst part is there is no one<br />i am crying here in some room you helped me paint<br />and i am so sad<br />i cried in the back of derrix jeep last night..for an hour<br />while everyone was hanging out.<br />i saw ashley..<br />i thought, 'dman the last itme i saw ash, you were <br />with me.<br />i thought these people suck<br />everyone sucks<br />come back<br />please<br />come back..<br />just for another year<br />stick it out<br />finish stupid school.....<br />dont leave me here<br />without you.<br />im nothing..<br />without you..im nothing<br /><br />YOU WERE EVERYTHING..YOU WERE MY WORLD..<br />EVERYTHING REMINDS ME OF YOU<br />LIFE SHOULDNT GO ON WITHOUT YOU<br /><br />I AM SO JEALOUS OF EVERYONE WHO GETS<br />TO SEE YOU ALL THE TIME<br />AND TALK TO YOU ALL THE TIME<br />..'<br /><br />I FEEL LIKE THERE SHOULD BE SOMEONE I CAN JUSTIFY MYSELF INFRONT OF<br />I FEEL LIKE THERE SHOULD BE A PLACE WHERE I CAN PLEAD MY CASE<br />AND SAY ALL THE TEARS I HAVE BEEN CRYING ARE WORTH IT<br />I WANT YOUR ARMS..<br />I WANT THEM SO BAD..<br />I WANT YOUR HANDS<br />I WANT YOU TO TELL ME IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY<br />I WANT TO CRY HERE AND HAVE YOU HOLD ME..<br />I MISS YOU..<br />IM CRYING RIGHT NOW<br />AND SAYING IT OUT LOUD<br /><br />and it kills me to talk to you when there is no hope you will come back<br />i dont want to have to get over you<br />and you tell me that some boy was on your shit<br />and you know how i feel about that<br />i wish i could be that boy<br />i wish i could kiss your back<br />and touch SQUISHY...<br />AND I WANT TO FALL ASLEEP INSIDE OF YOU..<br /><br />instead of here<br />all alone<br />without you.<br />you were the best thing that ever happened to me..<br />ever..urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:1000loveletters:61501000loveletters @ 2005-05-02T21:44:002005-05-03T04:44:55Z2005-05-03T04:44:55ZIt's just that I feel there is no more caring. At all. My mind has been so crazy lately. I dont understand this. I dont understand anything... <br /><br />and i never write. Now i am in a slump. Because I can't write about anything else.. All i do is write happy songs, but i am so afraid to pen down anything else that comes up, that I just cant even write anymore. So afraid of what everyone will think..so afraid of what the outcome will be if i write about....anything else..<br /><br />I am thinking about you a lot lately....My memory does not work very well with this..and i dont understand...Saved Sweet tarts. you said....Why? Why? Why?<br /><br />It's like she said, 'you will never know me as good as she does..i just want to talk to her sometimes, cos she understands me'..and without even helping me understand her.....she shuts off, right there and then. <br />it's like if i said, 'yeah, i need to talk to ______ because you will never know me as good as she does..'..she she would be so jealous..<br /><br />but i would never say that..<br /><br />so many thoughts running through my head... Just feels like she does not care about me... She is gone.. She is cold.. what do i do? She'll break up with me... what do i do? I have tried everything, and nothing, all together..<br /><br />i am lonely. When i get like this, i start to forget. Its like doing cocaine (I remember full drug word, as opposed to abbreviations, unless in Quotes, or in a direct quote)..see..i pay attention.... I hate it.. I dont want to do it again.. If i had it, i wouldn't want to take some, and i would hate how i felt the first time, then, become addicted..<br /><br />I want more... I just decided it. But i feel like i can't do anything without permission... because i never want dissappointment..<br /><br />i have so many ideas for new songs, but i dont want to write them..<br /><br />I actually had a good time today...at practice... Everything was perfect.. Seriously.. I had a good time.. I couldn't believe it.<br /><br />im starving..and poor, and broke..again.. I will wait with my ass on my hands... <br /><br />I love you so fucking deeply.. But you dont tell me anything that is important. Just the mostly meaningless stuff. I can't drag it out of you, kicking and screaming. I cant do that to me or you. Just open up.<br /><br />i am so jealous of mimoo and heather. They are always toegether, all the time. They call eachother baby..they are there when eachother needs them. they have a dog..they are talking about moving in.... They stay together all the time. They practically have sex every place they go...and a ball of hate burns inside of me..jealousy, and hate.....and rage...<br /><br />and then, zach and elise the perfect couple.. that gets under my fingernails and bothers me with such pain i cannot describe..<br /><br />I was thinking of ways to kill myself today. I was seriously considering it. Sometimes the rug you stand on isn't even there. I could do it.. I could have done it today. With the band, with my friends.... and there is no one to stop me...... it's not like there ever is....<br /><br />nothing is home...nothing feels safe..and strong, anymore. No place to let down my guard because I never get a breath to speak truth...... I just spit bullshit.<br /><br />and i am waiting for a beep that will never come..I wont. I am so fucking pathetic...I wish i never cried.. I wish i was rich.. I dream about that a lot...<br /><br />it's like you just wont let me in. Were dating, and i feel like i can come to you last if i need something. Like the things i want, are overstepping boundries.... going on eight months...<br /><br />and she does not think i am over my ex girlfriend.<br />but, <br />there is a bright side.<br />....but god only knows what i'd be, without you..<br />-jodinurn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:1000loveletters:59481000loveletters @ 2005-02-10T08:49:002005-02-10T16:56:21Z2005-02-10T16:56:21Zwow.....<br />i was a little bitch last night.. I wonder what got into me.. Though I think all problems at hand were delt with...I feel very,very, guilty....I hate this feeling.... I need to make it somehow go away..... I hate opening up like this..... i hate it.. i hate being vulnerable...<br /><br />So I dont know what to do.....About this weekend.....<br />i need to think..<br />why is this so hard?? to think????<br />I need to loosen up..<br />and be cheesy..<br />I need to loosen up if she laughs<br />this is my favorite holiday...and she would be my first, real, valentine...<br />so what the fuck??<br />get it together...<br />i only have hours to figure something out.<br />-jordinurn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:1000loveletters:56631000loveletters @ 2005-02-10T00:22:002005-02-10T08:32:30Z2005-02-10T08:32:30Zim just so fucking pissed off..<br />something inside of me is growing, like a monster..and i cant quite figure out what it is..<br /><br />....<br />I havn't done any coke in what seems like ages, but realistically, is less than a week. Im angry about that..<br />im angry that my PROVIDERS arn't PROVIDING....<br />of course the shit was in reach when i didn't want it,<br />or care about it.<br />now that i want it....<br />its nowhere to be found<br /><br />but it's just as well.. i dont have any fucking money to buy it with.<br />yeah..flat broke..wish i could even be better about lying about it..<br />won't let anyone know..<br />but it's the truth.....<br />erie enough as it is,<br />i feel fine about somehow coming up with $1000+ for my new apt with leighan..<br />espically when i was scratching my head 'trying to make a dollar out of fifty cents'..<br />that line still gets me thinking...<br /><br />my bed stinks..<br />I owe so much to so many people/places...<br /><br />and yet.. i am still angry..<br />an angry that dosn't even give a shit about all of the above...<br /><br />im hungry right now..but rather than go spend five dollars, i've opted to starve...just because i have been a) eating too much lately and b) spending too much lately... Oh what i would do for the security of a kitchen that didn't have mice in it....<br /><br />But that five dollars will probably go towards something bigger,<br />that wont surprise..<br />or impress...<br />it'll just leave me flat broke-r...<br /><br /><br />my bed fucking smells..<br />i hate this fucking bed..<br />i hate this fucking house.<br />i hate this fucking smell....<br />how can i rest on something i hate, so much....<br /><br /><br />Oh.....to just be able to see it on paper...<br />everything, you see....everything....<br /><br />If i could write down all of what i am really feeling,<br />and put it in a bottle,<br />and throw it out to sea;<br />it may make the tides change..<br /><br />Or i could write down all of what i am feeling,<br />and bury it at the foot of a mountian....<br />but it may make the mountian cave in...<br /><br />I guess instead I will keep what I am really feeling,<br />inside of me..<br />deep, deep inside of me...<br />where it does its most expensive damage..<br /><br />...it's tearing me apart...urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:1000loveletters:52501000loveletters @ 2004-10-17T19:09:002004-10-18T01:59:52Z2004-10-18T01:59:52Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:1000loveletters:5060got a funny lonely feeling im not in....2004-10-18T01:59:19Z2004-10-18T01:59:19Zthe used.please god just hold on a bit longer...<br />I have never felt this vulnerable in my entire life..<br />I am not missy anymore,<br />I will not let people push me around,<br />and make me feel worthless..<br />I am jordin silver.<br /><br />I am not supposed to feel this way..<br />feel this naked..<br />or let alone be so comfortable being so...<br />im not supposed to let things get under my skin,<br />or in my teeth,<br />or my heart..<br /><br />this is so hard<br />because i want to be everything i can be,<br /> but it's impossible right now.<br />I want to go to parties,<br />I want to meet her friends,<br />I want to have long talks about one million different subjects,<br />I want to be lost in her eyes.<br /><br />and i feel it,<br />it's there<br />but i can't reach it..<br />and i kind of know why..<br /><br />i am so sad with myself.<br />it hurts so bad to be me right now.<br />the kicker is having everything i have ever wanted,<br />a few good friends,<br />an amazing musical partner,<br />those i care about but would never tell them, calling concerned at all hours of the night,<br />and a beautiful girl who makes time stop..<br /><br />but when it resumes,<br />i am stuck with the reprocussions.<br />because it's an hour later,<br />or im expected an hour earlier,<br />than before..<br />and that hour means so much when all i want to do is smell her hair <br />and kiss her back <br />and snuggle closer with her<br />stay awake and just touch her<br />she makes my fingertips feel as if they were on fire..<br />that's how she makes my mind too.<br /><br />i feel poetic again,<br />I feel energy again,<br />i feel something again..<br />something inside of me.<br />and it longs for her when i am away.<br />it burns...<br />it burns when we are apart..<br />i long for her.<br /><br />and i know i can be the best for her.<br />I know i can be the best for me..<br />but this me just isn't me<br />and it's killing me.<br />it's killing me..<br />i wish i could write it enough to let it out really.<br />its killing me to be this lame.<br />it's killing me to need to go home and sleep.<br />it's killing me to leave her so early<br />and to hear that she too hates my job...<br />it's killing me because it is making me not me..<br />i am not this person..<br />i enjoy things.<br />long talks...i can provoke them at any point..<br />longer walks...<br />in the rain I am so excited to kiss in the rain...<br />i have never..<br /><br />but this isn't me..<br />and would you believe this decision is even harder than the decision to move across country..<br />i am so far away from anything i know.<br />I dont even really have roots here.<br />if i lost her,<br />I would loose so much right now..<br />and if i lost them,<br />I would have nothing...<br /><br />I have never felt so vulnerable in my entire life.<br />so easily disposed...<br />so easily replaced..<br />that is not the way the world sees jordin silver...<br />but that may be what is happening..<br /><br />I need to make a decision,<br />and i know the answer...<br />this is my safety net right now..<br />and im so sick of being exausted..<br />im sick in general lately,<br />I know it's stress..<br />my hands wont stop shaking..<br />my left arm, <br />wont stop shaking..<br />this isn't me...<br />this isn't, <br />me...<br /><br />if i offend you i am sorry,<br />if i make you sad,<br />I am sorry..<br />Please hang in there with me..<br />i am worth this wait..<br />i am worth these problems,<br />and i will show that to you,<br />with every ounce of respect i have,<br />I will show you that.